How I Met My Husband Online and My Advice to Any New Online Daters

We’ve been married for 9 months now and I couldn’t be more thankful that I ventured into the Online Dating World!

I’ll just be honest, I NEVER wanted to try online/app dating. Literally never. You can ask my best friend, I wanted to meet my husband at college and be married at 22 (yeah I know, that’s crazy young! But my cousin did that and they are literally couple goals!)

Well college came and went and I had yet to date anyone. I was way too focused on my sport (former D1 athlete here!) and getting good grades to date. At that point I had decided to stay and get my Masters Degree. So I figured it had to happen then! In those 2 years I had to meet him.

WRONG AGAIN

Grad school came and then my first real job came and still nothing. No dates, no interesting men, nothing. I knew I wanted to get married someday, so why wasn’t this happening for me!?

At this point, I had decided to move back home for a bit, get a job near my family and then find an apartment.  And I met this guy.  We were friends but I liked him and he knew it.  We hung out all the time and then we finally had the conversation.  You know the one, “are we staying friends or are we going to date?”

Long and slightly-heartbreaking-story short, I told him I liked him and wanted to date and he didn’t want anything to do with me.  So I moved back home, cried for longer than I’m willing to admit, and moved on.

But I still wanted to find the man I was going to marry!  What was wrong with me?

Cue the Best Advice I have ever received about DATING

I talked to a close and trusted friend about all that I was feeling and how badly I wanted a boyfriend and eventual husband.  She asked me something I had no real answer for. “What do you want in a man?”

I paused and gave some lame answer that I don’t remember, like “a nice guy to settle down with and…blah blah blah.”  She looked me dead in the eye and said “you need to write down what you actually want if you ever intend to find it.”

So that night I went home and created the list.  The list of my dream man.  (A list I later gave to my husband to prove that he was everything I had ever wanted – but I’ll get to that).  It contained my “must haves” down to the fact that I hope he liked to cook.  My list was 2 columns long on a piece of notebook paper.  I closed the notebook and laughed at myself.  LITERALLY LAUGHED.

There was no freaking way this man existed!  

I went back to doing my usual daily life.  Work, Gym, Bible Study once a week, church on Sundays, and walking my dog.  Not much opportunity to meet men.  Let alone THE man.

A few months went by and I was finally settled in at my new job, I was making friends in the area and I realized I was Happy.  All alone I was happy.  But it still felt like something was missing.  

Cue another great piece of advice

On one of my weekly FaceTime calls with my best friend (she lives in California), she gave me the final push to try online/app dating.  “Just try it!”

I conceded.  

One problem though, how the heck do you know which one to pick!?  There are literally so many online dating sites and apps to choose from!  Some that are free, some that you pay for, some that don’t have a great reputation (you know which one I mean…) and I was lost.

Thankfully, my best friend continued to say, “You should try OKCupid.  It’s free and a lot of people like it because it is so specific.”

OKCupid it was.  Here’s a link to their website or you will most-likely download the app (that’s what I did)

I signed up on December 25th 2018 (yes, I am part of that statistic of signing up on a major holiday).  

I filled out my profile and started answering a bunch of questions. Then I started looking at the men in my area that were recommended to me. 

Here’s my plug for OKCupid.  They ask a million questions to allow you to be matched with the man, or woman, that answers the same way.  You can also rate how important a question is to you.  So say you are really passionate about your religion, you can rate that question as “extremely important” and the app puts more weight on that question/answer of your future matches.

I was very intentional with my online dating and I truly believe this is what led me to meet my husband.

Here are my 7 pieces of advice for navigating the Online dating world.

#1 – TAKE some real time to set up your profile

Pictures are so so important!  They capture moments and interests and bits of your personality.  I suggest using as many profile pictures as you can that capture pieces of yourself.  I used a picture where I was dressed up, a picture of me hunting, a picture of me hiking, and so on.  Your pictures should capture your interests and show multiple sides of yourself. These were the images I used.

I recommend not using group pictures as guys tend to ignore those (I asked my husband as my source here haha).

Next are the questions.  I answered a ton of questions so I had a well rounded profile and if anyone took the time to read it they would have a good sense of me and my interests.  Nothing was more frustrating than seeing a guy’s profile who had nothing but 1 picture and a lame description of himself.   

Another benefit to answering a bunch of questions is you get more accurate matches.  When available men in your area pop up, OKCupid generates a percentage amount of compatibility.  For example, when my husband popped up, we were a 96% match!  The more questions you answer, the more accurate the percentage.  

But before you start swiping right or left, take a look at #2!

#2 – MAKE a list

My friend’s advice allowed me to find my husband.  So I will forever be recommending this to anyone who is dating or looking to date. 

There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

So pull out a piece of paper and a pen (or for you digital preferring people, open a note on your phone or computer) and write down the things that you want.

I started in no particular order and then high-lighted the ones that were “must haves” later.  So get writing!

Curious what I wrote?  I’ll give you a few from my must-have side of my list. 

1. He had to be a Christian.  This was non-negotiable for me because my Christianity is important to me.  You might believe differently than me, or have a totally different #1 priority, but this was mine
2. He had to be attractive.  Now this might sound super shallow, but come on!  I wanted to be attracted to my husband!  It would be a very long life if I didn’t find him attractive at least a little.  
3. He had to be passionate about the outdoors.  I love hiking and camping as well as hunting and fishing and kayaking.  He didn’t have to be interested in all of these things, but I wanted him to WANT to do outdoorsy activities with me.
4. He had to like to travel.  I asked my now-husband very early on if he liked to travel.  If he had said no, I politely would have ended our conversation and moved on.  I wanted (and still want!) to see the world!  How was I going to do that if he wanted to stay in one place the rest of his life!?
5. He had to be kind.  I’ve seen too many relationships where men are unkind.  I’m not talking about abusive relationships, because that is a whole other terrible topic.  I’m talking about relationships where the man is selfish and can be condescending or even cruel with his words.  I wanted a man who would be kind to me as well as the rest of the world.  No exceptions.  
6. He had to have a good sense of humor.  Who doesn’t like to laugh!?  Plus, I figured it would turn out to be a boring marriage if he didn’t enjoy laughing with me.  

#3 – KNOW what you want out of your experience

If you are considering the online dating world, I suggest knowing what you want out of any future matches. 

Are you looking to date casually? Are you looking to find “the one” and get married? Or are you just on the app so see where it might take you?

I knew, at the end of the day, I wanted a serious relationship and eventually get married.  I also knew it probably wouldn’t be my first match or even the first few people I dated from this app that would give that to me.  

But I knew what I wanted. 

So when I started viewing my matches, I was looking at the question OKCupid asked about what he wanted out of a relationship.  I don’t remember the exact question, but it offered a few standard answers to make it easy to see what he wanted out of a relationship.  Answers like “date casually” or “looking for a seriously relationship” were definitely in there.

Some guys were just interested in “hook-ups/casual dating”.  I didn’t even bother “liking” them because what was the point of wasting my time on someone who didn’t want what I wanted?

This leads me to tip #4.

#4 – Be INTENTIONAL with your matches

I had my list to refer back to, but ultimately I had to comb through each man’s profile and see if we would even get past a first date.  

Don’t log on and just swipe right at every hot guy/girl you see!  If you’ve already done this in the past, vow to be intentional from here on out.  Look at his profile before liking him!

When men in my area popped up, I would see if they were attractive, then click on their profile and look for the things I needed to have in a man.  This was all BEFORE I would “swipe right” or “swipe left.”

So remember my top 5 things?  This list allowed me to be intentional.  Let me tell you my process.

First, I had to think he was attractive.  I know it sounds shallow but in online dating, the first thing you see is a picture, so I started there.  

Second, I would click on his profile and look for any mention of being a Christian (remember, this was my #1).  So if it’s different for you, look for your #1 thing right away.  If you don’t see it,  move on.

Third, I looked for #3 and #4 on my list – passionate about the outdoors, and traveling.  These are easy enough to find in his/her images as well as the questions that they answer, so be sure to check those out.

Usually I would stop there, partially because it can become time-consuming, but also because my other Must-Haves couldn’t really be seen on a profile.  Humor and kindness aren’t exactly something you can capture in an image. 

At this point, ask yourself “Has he/she met my prerequisites?”  Whatever your must-haves are, he/she must meet these!  If you “swipe right” anyway you are setting yourself up, and any future relationship, for failure.  

Once you get through these steps, swipe right or left accordingly.  So what else is there!?

#5 – Be PRESENT on the app

I know this one may be obvious, but be on the app!  I’m not talking about being glued to your phone or anxiously awaiting messages, but check-in every so often so you don’t miss too much.  

If you are serious about online/app dating, then be sure to check in.  You can’t just set up a profile, like a couple guys, and peace out.  When I was on OKCupid, I would spend some time combing through the profiles of men in my area each day, as well as be active on the chat.  

There was one guy who messaged me, asking questions and he seemed interesting, and then he never was active again.  Yeah, he might have ghosted me, it happens, but we didn’t even have a conversation to ghost.  Don’t be that guy if you are serious.  

When a new guy would message me, I would quickly look through his profile again to be sure that my requirements were met. (This is different for each app of course, but this was my experience).  If everything looked good, I would message them back.  

This leads me to number 6.

#6 – TURN on your notifications/email alerts

If you are serious about meeting someone from an app, allow those pesky notifications.  I know they are usually annoying, but it will make #5 that much easier.  When I was messaging guys and my now husband on the app, I was so glad to have those notifications turned on.  It would alert me when he sent a message and allowed me to reply in a timely manner.  It will keep the chat fresh and get a relationship rolling.  

If I had missed one of my husband’s messages, I probably wouldn’t have checked the app until the end of the day.  Plus  I would have wondered why he never messaged me back.  Not that this would have resulted in a different outcome, I could have explained that one, but I would have missed a whole day of conversation.  

And if I’m being honest, it made me excited to keep talking to this guy!  A notification would come in and my heart would take a little leap of excitement.  It was so nice to have someone interested in me and this leads me to my final tip.  

#7 – The RULE I held myself to 

I created a rule for myself when I started online dating.  Now you already know I was looking for my future spouse, so I wanted an intentional man.  I wanted a man who was going to pursue me and sweep me off my feet and love me.  I didn’t want a wishy-washy “what’s up” message, no thanks!

The rule I created for myself was that he had to message me first.  

Now I can see how you might 100% disagree with this and that’s fine.  There are plenty of women who made the first move and it worked for them.  But let me explain myself here!

I had pursued several different guys prior to online dating.  I had asked a guy out and he rejected me and I’d told a couple other guys that I liked them and they hadn’t been interested.  So that sucked and I was sick of getting hurt.  

So I wanted this experience to be different and it worked.  My husband messaged me and said all the right things and it paid off.

Again, I understand if you don’t agree!  But, this really helped me to find my husband and not be the chasing girl I was before.

The end of our Love Story

While I was very active on the app with sorting through guys and answering questions, I held to the rule I created.  Sure it would have been easy to cave, I wasn’t scared to talk to guys.  But I wanted to be pursued and to find an intentional man.

My husband’s name is Brian and when Brian messaged me, it was different.  Sure there were other guys I had messaged or was messaging at the time, but Brian brought up literally all of things that were important to me.  How we both love the outdoors and how we are both Christians.  I was excited to message back. 

After a few days of messaging on the app, Brian asked if I would prefer to text and gave me his number.  So we started texting.

A few days later, he asked me out and a week later we had our first date.  

I am so thankful that I decided to try online/app dating.  Sure it wasn’t my dream way of meeting someone, but it made dating so much easier!  We had already been talking for a few weeks before our first date and when we met, we just talked like old friends.  

While I know online might not be your ideal way to meet men/women, I highly encourage you to try it.

You might just meet your husband!